Hello everyone, today is my first day blogging. As a teenage boy who has recently discovered that I'm a homo, I'm very curious about what it is like to be gay, having a gay lifestyle and gay romance and stuffs. I've watched videos of Mathieu Chantelois and Jason Ruta from Youtube.com and I've been always wondering if I can be as lucky as them to have such supporting family and friends. But maybe everything I've watched is just a major part of my fantasy.

As you can see from my very own previous title of my blog, "Hidden In The Closet", I'm still being closeted. That is because I live and grow up in an "orthodox" Chinese family background with my parents, siblings and every other relatives who are homophobics. The country where I'm currently living has NO LGBT rights or any other decriminalization of LGBT Community. Ex-gay Movements too, they have been REALLY POPULAR since 1998. It has been really tiring to be in the closet especially pretending to be someone who you're actually NOT.

When I didn't discover myself previously, I had made a BIG mistake to myself. That was, dating a girl who I don't have a serious affection with when I was 13. Fortunately, our relationship "fell off" right after she has transfered to another school without hurting anyone's feeling. And I had spent a long period of time to discover myself-my attitude, my emotions, my interests, EVERYTHING. And now, I'm happy that I've actually let her know that I'm gay (yeah, I've come out to her and she's the 1st and only the one to know but there is no support and it's being kept as a secret). Of course, we can still be friends even if we've broken up. Who cares?

But one of my problems at most of the nights is; I recently have a nightmare about being tied in a quiet room, and forced to smell ammonia from a bottle held by an anonymous agent in an Ex-gay Movement Camp when a picture of gay men kissing is shown. I know I worry too much. But I'm really afraid that will happen to me if I come out to my family, my teachers and most of my friends and that has made me feeling hopeless so that's why I've decided not to come out unless I've moved to a country where people are not discriminated regardless of age, occupation, gender, and sexual orientation. But am I deserved to live in such country?

My questions from my later posts will be something from appropriate to crude to something really dirty. Feel free to comment on them if you like.