☼ The Dreamer's Diary ☼

Coming out, is a phase when people announce their sexual orientation. Although I've partially come out within people I know especially friends, I still remain closeted in my family. Today is just another day that I heard another homophobic statement from my dad to my brother in a moving van on the way back home.

"Son, the youngest uncle of yours is a faggot. He's nothing but a total loser that he french kissed a man and someone on the street saw it. Damn disgusting!"

I kept quiet and looked outside the window... It was raining... and because of the quote, I've actually noticed that I'm being noted not to let anyone in my family know that I'm actually gay. I can't imagine any further if my dad finds out one day by reading this blog... Freaky, really freaky...

Okay, so I was compelled to hang out with an overweight yet straight teenage boy called K*(name is hidden for privacy purposes) in the afternoon. I went to my old high school where I was studying before to meet the school counselor 2 days ago. After waiting for nearly an hour for the bus from the residential area I live and staying under the HOT sun walking alone when I reached the bus station near the school, I accidentally bumped into 2 guys who were used to be my ex-school mate. I was happy to meet them at first until one of them bugged me A LOT by questioning me if I had a girlfriend. But it was OKAY, so I just said "No" and the subject from them has then closed.

Reached the school about 11 AM with them. It hasn't been raining for weeks so I sweated A LOT due to the HOT temperature while we were reaching there. Being fed up with the ridiculous weather, we rushed into the Counselor's office very QUICKLY because we know the room is chilled with air conditioner. And of course, were very happy to meet the good ol' friendly counselor at school again. We talked a lot about our part-time job lives after school and all those plans we're making for our future studies. The 2 guys I was talking about has gotten an offer to do Grade 12 (or 6th Form) from the opposite high school. But the counselor was shocked but impressed to know that I've gotten and accepted an offer from a local university. After about half an hour of talk the guys went out to hangout by themselves.

The counselor and I had a private counseling session as soon as they had gone out. It was really fun to talk to her again. Suddenly, I received a phone call... It was K. I felt totally regretful for asking him to come to school to meet the counselor before hanging out. He snapped every word of mine whenever I try to talk to the counselor unfortunately. So I just sat there, keeping quiet while they 'had a match game of words to each other' (My word for 'talked'). But it's still OKAY! So I let them talked with my private talk session being destructed... (sigh~ fine!)

But things got even worse when I hung out with him. I wonder why he's always been curious about my wallet. Why are the foods have to be MY treat every time when I hang out with him? He always bring up the excuse that he will treat me back as soon as he gets his salary. But man, it's not that I'm materialistic or selfish but... Why is he always asking me out without much money in his wallet so that I will pay for his foods? WHY? It has been THREE times that the foods are MY TREAT!!!

I was really mad but I hid my feelings. Yes, my feelings. It has been really easy to hide them since the day I reach my adolescence. But hanging out with him really makes me suffocating. Whenever I eat with him with the foods being my treat at a restaurant, he will bring up the topics of pretty girls he admire that annoys me. And there's a quote from him that really makes me wanted to give him a big slap at his cheeks. That is, the "You know, I think you're gay just because you haven't found a girl you truly admire."

Yes, he KNOWS that I'm gay. But he JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND!!! When I say I'm gay, I'm GAY! And nothing is gonna change that.

Straight people...
Why do straight people assume every one around them is straight then make homophobic jokes and false statements about gay people? These really prick on my nerves!

Homophobia is really starting to bug me. This is the reason I've begun to dislike straight men. I don't think that I would mind to talk to them as much if they weren't so homophobic. It hurts every time someone uses the word "gay" in a homophobic way. I don't like to feel being hated. It hurts me more when a grown up says it (especially my dad). Like a gambler for example, I also feel guilty and scared. I am really scared about what they would do if they found out. I could go on but it still hurts when it comes to homophobes who keep talking and thinking about it...

Discriminations, discriminations, and MORE discriminations. I wonder why most people are so ignorant about gay people. Recently, in the US, a 15-year-old young boy named Larry King is being murdered by another young boy who was asked to be his Valentine in February 2008. Why does this have to happen? A human who is being killed by another human, just because he is gay? This kind of discrimination, hate and disastrous event must end!

In my opinion, I believe this issue doesn't involve the young boy who murdered alone but also his parents. People learn their biases and bigotry from their parents from their very young age. And I've always believed that home is where acceptance or rejection of others who are different begins. And I hope people would not be that judgmental about any other people because no one is perfect. When someone is born that way, we have to treat them equally and accept them as a part of us.

This issue is also talked about by one of my favorite Talk Show Host, Ellen DeGeneres. I had not known about this until I read Jason Ruta's Blog post on 1st of March. Below is the Youtube video clip of her opinion about Larry's death in her own show: