☼ The Dreamer's Diary ☼

Hmmm... so what do you think when you hear about the sentence "One night stand"? I think one night stands for gays are quite similar with the straight counterpart. I've never been to one and I wonder how it feels like to have one. Or is it not worth trying one?

Alright, I've finished High School and felt bored so I've worked as a waiter and a cashier in a restaurant on weekdays and as a paperboy on weekends for about 3 months. Finally, after some hard work that I've never had before, sometimes being scolded for no reasons and being nagged for some communication errors with some other people, I've finally discovered that the real world outside is complex. Not to mention about homophobics at 1st but also money. YES, MONEY! It bugs me A LOT when it comes to paying fees for my upcoming college courses (March Intake). But my presentation at work is deteriorating just because I work not because I'm interested but because of money. I'm not happy and tired with my workplaces too. But what can I do? And now, I've understood the hardships of my parents to work outside in order to make their lives, raise me and my siblings. Teenage years are supposed to be fun and overwhelming but I don't see much fun stuffs happening in my life.

Dealing with people has been never an easy job for me too. I know, I suck at speaking, writing and even listening at Chinese Language because I'm mostly educated in English. But it's not an excuse to discriminate me for not understanding what they want me to know. Of course, in here, the country where I'm living now (like I've said I'm NOT from China), there are 2 types of Chinese Community. The "English-Educated Community" and the "Mandarin-Educated Community". I asked my parents before why they've wanted me to receive education in English.

But my dad just claimed, "English-Educated Chinese are counted to have 'Higher Social Status' of Chinese people here."

However, I don't find that compliment as a very true statement. In here, the dominating society is the Mandarin-Educated Chinese Community especially the adults. Politicians are counted in the community too. Here, if you're a White or a Hispanic or whatever races that are not counted as Asian, you'll find them rude (or at least they'll be showing you a big fake smile and pretending to be polite and friendly). It's not that I'm judging them but this is actually true.

During my days at High School, MOST Chinese classmates just asked me, "Oh, you don't speak Chinese? Then you're counted as the people who has plucked their sinew. Shame on you."

Siblings? Well, they're never supportive no matter what I want or what I do. We just don't get along due to some boundaries between our different languages. Well, I can't blame them for not understanding me. But what I've not satisfied with them is their way of speaking. Can't they just shut their mouths, listen and not judging people?

I've seen a bunch of other Chinese teenagers who are just about the same as me were humiliated at their workplaces too. I'm even forced to speak in Mandarin in public during my work time and when the pronunciations go wrong. They just laugh out LOUD and don't correct me. 'Higher Social Status'? I DON'T THINK SO!

It has been really hard to deal with the society here as discriminations are EVERYWHERE. These are some qualities that people discriminate against in the society I live:
1) Your skin is black.
2) You're gay.
3) You don't speak Chinese (or your mother tongue if you're not Chinese)
4) Your religion/race is _____ (whatever but sadly, they care)

I know other countries have some of these issues too. And I know those who are discriminated are actually NOT alone. I'll try to stay strong. NO MATTER WHAT!

Hello everyone, today is my first day blogging. As a teenage boy who has recently discovered that I'm a homo, I'm very curious about what it is like to be gay, having a gay lifestyle and gay romance and stuffs. I've watched videos of Mathieu Chantelois and Jason Ruta from Youtube.com and I've been always wondering if I can be as lucky as them to have such supporting family and friends. But maybe everything I've watched is just a major part of my fantasy.

As you can see from my very own previous title of my blog, "Hidden In The Closet", I'm still being closeted. That is because I live and grow up in an "orthodox" Chinese family background with my parents, siblings and every other relatives who are homophobics. The country where I'm currently living has NO LGBT rights or any other decriminalization of LGBT Community. Ex-gay Movements too, they have been REALLY POPULAR since 1998. It has been really tiring to be in the closet especially pretending to be someone who you're actually NOT.

When I didn't discover myself previously, I had made a BIG mistake to myself. That was, dating a girl who I don't have a serious affection with when I was 13. Fortunately, our relationship "fell off" right after she has transfered to another school without hurting anyone's feeling. And I had spent a long period of time to discover myself-my attitude, my emotions, my interests, EVERYTHING. And now, I'm happy that I've actually let her know that I'm gay (yeah, I've come out to her and she's the 1st and only the one to know but there is no support and it's being kept as a secret). Of course, we can still be friends even if we've broken up. Who cares?

But one of my problems at most of the nights is; I recently have a nightmare about being tied in a quiet room, and forced to smell ammonia from a bottle held by an anonymous agent in an Ex-gay Movement Camp when a picture of gay men kissing is shown. I know I worry too much. But I'm really afraid that will happen to me if I come out to my family, my teachers and most of my friends and that has made me feeling hopeless so that's why I've decided not to come out unless I've moved to a country where people are not discriminated regardless of age, occupation, gender, and sexual orientation. But am I deserved to live in such country?

My questions from my later posts will be something from appropriate to crude to something really dirty. Feel free to comment on them if you like.